My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
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“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.