My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..