Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog
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I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.
NURSE: “we’re losing him!”
DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: “IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN”
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums