@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

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@T_Bonezzz_

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

@krisv_723

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@KalvinMacleod

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

@TheBoydP

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?