@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

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@thedad

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

@Parentpains

I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.

@EJGomez

*emergency room*

NURSE: “we’re losing him!”

DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: “IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN”

@sixfootcandy

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@dumbbeezie

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

@fuzzlime

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

@NrouteHQ

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums