my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

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I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]



I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now


When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.


If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.


[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?


Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs


Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?