@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

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@truegritrumble

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

@ClamDive

When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good

@ddsmidt

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

@lisaxy424

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.

@chuuew

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

@WittySassBasket

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

@nyquills

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

@Sickayduh

“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
Doug.
“Duck?”
DouGGG
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”