*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*