[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“you changed” bro i was 15
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”