[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way