my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When I snag the last meatball.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?