My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
A short story of betrayal:
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one