My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.