My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
The two types of wives
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
The biggest mystery of our time
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Um … Hot Wings please