[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
How dramatic are you?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.