[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.


[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope


If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.


Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever


I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.


So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet


I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend


*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!