@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

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@GingerHotDish

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

@FredTaming

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@JeffisTallguy

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

@Knorg

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@redlipshun

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!