if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else’s.
Bird puns? Owl allow them.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati