Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
You Might Also Like
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Next time hit both.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!