One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Computer: Choose a password.
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends
Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.