My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

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Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.


It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.


Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.


[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog


i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad


Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”


A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.


Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.


Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”