Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.