Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
You Might Also Like
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.