My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
We have a winner.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch