My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”


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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.


Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?


REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.


I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.


WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”342742216311185409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”113″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”No, I will not bring my pet snake to your gluten-free BBQ. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*

*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no


On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing


[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?


HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo


me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it