My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Story of my life…..
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.