My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“Huge”.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.