Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses