My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
#MeanwhileInCanada
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear