My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”