@OctopusCaveman: My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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@simoncholland: One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
@dlicj: flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me
@BoogTweets: (my first day as a transformer) optimus prime: Transformers, roll out! Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE