My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
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Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time