@English_Channel

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

You Might Also Like

@stayathomies

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

@VaDawn13

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

@KentWGraham

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@LuvPug

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

@tweetsvisual

*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)

@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

@str8upjuggahos

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

@ballerguy

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

@TragicAllyHere

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password