My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.


Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.


I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.


I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running


*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)


*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*


I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8


I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”


Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.


*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password