My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.