My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.