To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
The asteroid..
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*