*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
You Might Also Like
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Bike for sale
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
secret recipe
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Overindulged this afternoon.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.