My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.


just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.


INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut


*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!


If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.


ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I’ll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren’t kids

ME: I don’t have any cats


With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.


I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.


“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?