#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*