My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like, "You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six"

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

How to scare burglars off….

First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.

Apparently.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

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