@RodLacroix One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
@sickipediabot My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,
“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”
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@RodLacroix 
@MarfSalvador Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
@VanGobot *captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
@bossy_bootz If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
@DirtMcTurd Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
@danadonly there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
@mvrlyns so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?
@zephyrs0phie Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
@XplodingUnicorn [buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
@Ziweeee mood
