Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
looks legit
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.