Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.