@sofarrsogud

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

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@Dawn_M_

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

@HeyoShellz

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

@Dawn_M_

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

@KylePlantEmoji

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

@Gupton68

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

@Ivsy01

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.