my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not