@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

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@DannyZuker

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@aparnapkin

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

@HatfieldAnne

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

@suz1973luq

Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@Playing_Dad

Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book
Sargent: You arrested her?
C: No
S: Why?
C: She’s not done with the book

@chapel3929

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

@TheBoydP

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”