She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.