My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.