My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
“The Perfect Relationship”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great