My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You can’t outrun your problems…
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Pass gas, not judgment.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep