My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Eat…
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I like long walks away from everyone
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
me after eating Cheetos
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.