[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m hyper observant
Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard
Look at this unemployed nigga no care in the world
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
my grandmother is A SAINT