My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.


if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about


My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.


-Does it have apples in it?


-What about pine?

-No pine either.

-Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.


Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then


I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.


Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby


People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.


There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.