My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You Might Also Like
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”