My dad wanted to name me, “Rusty,” if I was a boy. Thank you, X chromosomes.

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Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.



boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes



“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”


If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.


DOCTOR: “A-tisket a-tasket, you’re gonna need a casket.”
WIFE: “What?”
DR: “Your husband’s knee surgery did not go well AT ALL.”


Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law


Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles