My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You Might Also Like
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis