My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar