@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

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@vikkaroni

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

@lizetagge

Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock

@Marlebean

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@pauleggleston

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

@sixfootcandy

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

@JohnLyonTweets

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

@1_dingle

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately