My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”