“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled