@chrisdowning

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

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@ThisLocalHater

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@YoungNobler

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

@SteveSuckington

Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.

@uccjeb

When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.

@mollymcnearney

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.