My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
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Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”