My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.


Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.


#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff


Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.


When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.


Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.


I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?


Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.