@chrisdowning

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

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@golub

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

@Playing_Dad

*watching news report of zombie apocalypse*
Me: This is great. No work today!

@TheToddWilliams

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@richardosman

My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

@grimpossible

“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”

@MooseAllain

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.