My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.


*watching news report of zombie apocalypse*
Me: This is great. No work today!



COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war


MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.


My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.


SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-


DAD: -that’s sound advice.


“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”


Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.


Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.