My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
True freaking story!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
(Jupiter –
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift