My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away