My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
You Might Also Like
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
What’s a Messi?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.