My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.