I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*