I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
You Might Also Like
Check out the legs on this baby
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
LOOOOOOL
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.