fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
a badder mouse
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?