My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Ken is short for chicken
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings