My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.